Disclaimer: The advice and ideas contained in this editorial are not meant to betaken seriously. In fact, the writer strongly advises against the methods outlined. Failure to acknowledge this warning may result in rejection, feelings of failure, and even crushing sadness in extreme cases. The writer takes no responsibility for any consequent damages. The writer also reluctantly expresses his regret for any such misfortune resulting from this advice, and wishes to remind the poor soul “there is always the next dance.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that every man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a date for the dance.
With Homecoming 2015 fresh on our minds, we are once again reminded that the most important parts of our schooling are, obviously, the dances. Any outsider observing the school culture could easily come to that conclusion. School dances create a captivating spirit within the school that enthralls every student, teacher, and parent alike without fail each time. Every soul passing through the school the week of the dance leaves newly energized and refreshed in the aura of anticipation for the (un)forgettable event to come.
At the core of the high school student’s dance experience is the stressful process of asking a date out. More commonly known as the “promposal,” a clever portmanteau of “prom” and “proposal,” this ritual is the centerpiece of the high school experience. It is also, arguably, the most difficult part of a high school student’s daily life, barring perhaps AP Calculus and deciding what to wear to school. The word promposal is not hyperbole: the elaborate scheming and extravagant planning invested by students to ask someone to a dance rivals even the most astounding marriage proposals.
It can be said that the promposal is the nexus of excitement upon which the success of the dance rests, and at the center of this initial proposal is the date. The theory of the promposal is simple: the more effort put in the question, the better the results. But with the rising quality of promposals, the threshold for a “yes” has too risen, leading to increased fears of rejection. Students, driven by that fear, engineer increasingly creative (and expensive) promposals—which again feeds back and further increases the expectations of potential dates. The aspiring dance-goer then is faced with an ever-increasing challenge to secure a date, as rejection is certain if their question does not surpass a certain quality.
During each dance cycle, rejection is quite literally the most devastating tragedy that can befall the average high school student—days are wasted grieving and recovering as the number of potential dates ever dwindles hour by hour. As the day of the dance approaches, so burgeons the captivating fear of being the only single soul at the dance. “Single and ready to mingle,” while catchy, is not a socially acceptable state at dances—singles at dances are referred to as “going stag.” Here, it is encouraged that the astute reader look into the origins of “stag,” as it is too funny risqué to include here in print.
But fear not, my dateless friend, for help is just around the corner. Here, a compilation of methods to ask someone out, ranging from simple to diabolical, awaits you. With these innovative solutions, there is no doubt that anyone can win the promposal arms race.
Method #1: The Poster – Difficulty: Freshman
Step 1. Buy poster and markers. The color matters.
Step 2. Write painfully stupid cute, relevant pun/quote.
Bonus: Have a friend with pretty handwriting do the work!
Super Bonus: Cursive makes everything better!
Step 3. Leave it where the person will find it.
Bonus: Leave flowers.
Super Bonus: Leave cupcakes.
Super Super Bonus: What the heck — leave a whole cake.
Step 4. Hire a band to serenade your date when he/she finds the poster.
Bonus: Get a DJ too.
Method #2: The Stuffed Animal with a Balloon or Something – Difficulty: Junior
Step 1. Buy stuffed animal. Preferably a big bear. Bigger is always better.
Step 2. Write “I can’t ‘bear’ to go to prom without you.”
Bonus: Find a better animal pun.
Step 3. Buy color-themed balloons and inflate like 38 of them.
Bonus: Buy those jumbo helium balloons and do some physics stuff so your package literally floats towards your future date.
Super Bonus: Put like an iPod or something in your package so it can soar to the beautiful sound of music.
Step 4. Clean up balloons you popped.
Step 5. Put your name inside a balloon.
Bonus: Fold some paper animals with the letters of your name inside.
Step 6. Get that poster you made for Method 1. What, you didn’t think you’d need it for this?
Step 7. Hire a band AND a DJ and have them coordinate outfits themed with your date’s favorite Disney/TV character.
Method #3: The Mixtape Scavenger Hunt – Difficulty: The Parking Lot at 3 P.M.
Step 1. Pick 15-36 locations around town.
Bonus: Make the locations around Logan.
Super Bonus: Make the locations around the freakin’ world.
Step 2. Pick 15-36 songs that are clues to each location.
Step 3. Leave a letter of your name at each location.
Bonus: If you picked locations around the world, the first letter of the airport code names your date goes to should spell a message.
Step 4. Make a fire mix CD. No Spotify—that’s for casuals.
Bonus: What if your mix CD was literally on fire?
Super Bonus: Contact your favorite artists to get their unreleased stuff.
Step 5. Give your mix CD to your future date.
Bonus: It might be tough, so also install a 24 hour help line.
Step 6. Wait for your future date to return on their odyssey.
Step 7. Pick them up at the airport (you picked worldwide locations, didn’t you?) with the poster and package from the first two methods.
Bonus: Bring a band to serenade your date as they come back. Hire limos too, you’ll need them to make your entourage super classy.
Super Bonus: Have the pilot personally escort your date to you.
Super Super Bonus: Get a pilot’s license and fly your date home on the makeshift runway you’ve made.
Method #4: Laserbeams, Taylor Swift, Baby Pandas, and Stuff – Difficulty: AP Calculus BC
Step 1. Acquire megawatt laser beams from a wholesale retailer on Alibaba.
Step 2. Befriend Taylor Swift. This is the most important part.
Bonus: Befriend Beyonce too.
Super Bonus: Nicki Minaj is also a good choice.
Step 3. Get Taylor Swift to help ask your date out during a concert.
Step 4. Legally rent baby pandas from the National Zoo. I heard Tai Shan and Bao Bao are pretty friendly.
Bonus: Have a literal army of puppies and kittens if your date is into that sort of thing.
Super Bonus: Have you seen quokkas? Get some of those. They’re so happy.
Step 5. Learn to do the nae nae, the moonwalk, AND the shuffle.
Step 6. Lead your date on the scavenger hunt you made with Method 3 to a spot where he/she will find the poster and package you made before.
Step 7. The poster is actually plane tickets to go with T-Swift to her concert.
Step 8. Install laser beams at the concert that will blast out a message on the moon when the time is right.
Bonus: Launch satellite mirrors to focus the beams so nuclear fusion happens, literally creating stars that spell out your date’s name.
Step 9. Do the nae nae/moonwalk/shuffle triumphantly as you and your date
crowdsurf and fist bump T-Swift/Beyonce/Nicki.
Step 10. Hire a band—oh, wait, you have Taylor Swift. And Beyonce. And Nicki.
Step 11. Return the baby pandas. They were only for backup.
At this point, the writer would like to make a reminder that anyone seeking to find a date for a dance should perform a comprehensive, school-wide background check to make sure that much money is not invested in a lost cause that inevitably ends in the phrase, “I already got asked. “ The writer deeply sympathizes with those who tried Method 4 and were rejected, as the estimated price tag for that promposal is approximately three times the 2015 United States National Debt, and recommends that the reader try Methods 1 (est. $15) or Method 2 (est. $250). As the next dance fast approaches, it is advisable that the diligent reader take careful heed of these creative methods. When you play the promposal game, you win, or you are rejected. After all, it is so difficult to find a date in today’s competitive world of high school dances that one would be simply lost without these exorbitant displays of human passion.